Stolen Time

I have been having some time away from work following Mother’s death. It has been good. I have had some time to reflect, to mourn, to cry. I know that this process is going to continue for a long time, and I suspect that my thoughts will be defaulting to Mother when the day, which is very soon, dawns when I need to go back to work. Already, I can feel the stress building up, and so today I decided to tackle some of those tasks that I know will be waiting for me, with early deadlines adding no little pressure.
The first stuff I rather enjoyed. I felt engaged and I was interested, learning about something new, and seeing possibilities for how it could work. It took a long time, but has left me thinking and reflecting in a good way.
Then I looked at the stuff I need to do for my review, and not only did my heart sink, but I felt stressed all over again. Although in theory it should be a template for self-evaluation, planning and associated training and suppprt, it becomes, in some hands, an exercise that seems designed to limit and control rather than encourage growth. The feeling I get when I look at how it has been constructed is of being confined to a rigid and rather small box.
Consequently, I am feeling demotivated and cross. Most years, I raise my eyes to heaven and get on with it, but this year, when Mother’s death is so recent, when these days are still close to when I was with her, and the knowledge that I shall not be with her again is still hard to accept, I resent the review, the time it will steal, the meaningless blah blah of it all.

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27 thoughts on “Stolen Time

  1. Having experienced the death of someone so very close to you puts everything else in a slightly different perspective (at least it did for me) and that kind of colors how we think of some things. There is a whole lot of blah blah blah to daily life…..but you don’t usually notice it quite as much until your view of life and time and love have been dabbled with in some way. Once you get back into things the “skew” will righten itself a lot but probably not totally – because your life HAS changed.

    Hugs, Pam

  2. Boy do I remember having the same experience so many times after life altering events that left me shaken. I just didn’t have the energy for the senseless or destructive parts of life. It was especially true for work, but also for home life. It always amazes me how much physical and emotional pain drains our energy. If we are doing something pleasurable we can maybe even pick up a little energy, but give us something we don’t want to do and it is like a plug has been pulled. Hang in there – one day at a time, Isobel.

  3. I’ve found it’s better to take time when it’s needed rather than to fall apart later. Always much worse to try to hang on when I know I’m not doing it very well. Compounds the terrible strain.

    If you were to take more time now and it affected your work status, it could work out anyway. Scary, I know. Yet another possible major change to contemplate.

    You remain in my thoughts, Isobel. A tough road to navigate….

    • I have in the past found them very useful, but sometimes management, in order to complete their own targets I think, skew the criteria so that you find it’s not your development etc but theirs. That is very frustrating.

  4. If you’re not ready for this, you shouldn’t force yourself to deal with it.

    Who can you speak to at work to explain the pressure you feel about dealing with the appraisal at this time? Is this the deal breaker for you between being able to return as planned or having to take more time off, and which would they prefer to have to manage?

    Be gentle on yourself xxx

  5. I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. I know I’m not looking forward to that time of my life. You should really take your time with this, but have some sort of (easy) schedule to keep you going. My sympathies are with you. Ellie

  6. Isobel I can certainly understand your feelings about the review at this time. I think it is hard to go on with the blah blah blah of life when we are hurting or worrying. I wish you would be allowed to wait a bit.

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