I am smiling more. I know I am. The work isn’t exactly dropping into my lap, but there’s enough to keep me hopeful. And way above that, there’s this feeling of lightness, of a weight being lifted off me. Like I am breathing properly again for the first time in a while.
There was a lot about the salaried job that I have left that I liked, and I don’t just mean the regular, reliable income. But some of the people were, to put it mildly, difficult. I had a boss who never praised me to my face. Instead she would always find something to complain about. Her attitude was picked up on by some staff, and there were a few who copied her example. Others would talk quietly to me, supportive but not obviously so. Too dangerous. Yet my work was recognised by outsiders, in reports; rated as outstanding. Reports and ratings my boss didn’t share with me. Didn’t repeat to my colleagues. Reports I fortunately read for myself. It took its toll. I feel as though I have spent several years just trying to keep afloat. Now I find I can swim. Magic.
When I told a colleague in another department I was leaving, she was glad for me. She had witnessed how I had been treated. “This has really undermined you,” she said. I wasn’t expecting it, and my eyes filled with tears.
Actually, I don’t think I realised how pushed down I felt until this week. I suddenly had a buoyant happy feeling about what I was doing. There was an email from an ex-colleague remarking how positive I sounded, and the whole business, the whole place seemed such a long way away.
I was working today. It was a cold but beautiful day in London. Even as my fingers chilled in my gloves I couldn’t stop myself from removing them to take some photos as I made my way home.
Some of you will know already I am a fan of the Shard. Apparently Renzo Piano was inspired by engravings he had seen of church spires in the City and tall masted ships on the Thames. I didn’t do too well with the tall masts, but I did get a couple of spires. Enjoy the blue skies, and may your heart be light and your glass half full as January tips towards February.